I have been wanting to write about this for some time now. But, I have kept putting it off and making excuses to myself. This morning when I woke up I said to myself “Today, you are writing this post.” And then I plucked what little stray hairs remain around my nearly nonexistent eye brows, washed a sink full of dishes, did some online shopping, and made an appointment for the DMV. Now that I’ve run out of ways to procrastinate, here I go.
My body has changed a lot in the past year. I used to have a job where I was constantly on my feet for 40+ hours a week. Now I sit at a desk (or lay in bed) all day. Turning 30 means my body changing is inevitable. And then the cherry on top of this crap sundae: CANCER.
The biggest gripe is the weight gain. I’ve gained around 25lbs. No longer feeling comfortable in my body because none of my old clothes fit me. It’s made me come to hate shopping (yeah, you read that right, Danielle hates shopping) because in my mind nothing looks right on me. Every time I look in the mirror my heart breaks a little, I can’t help but think “why me?”. Needless to say, I don’t like looking in the mirror nowadays. My self esteem is at an all time low and my confidence is nonexistent.
There used to be a time when I looked in the mirror and would think “How you doing?”.
I miss feeling that way. I miss looking good for me. I miss feeling confident and daring in everything I wore. I miss liking my body.
Thank you to my friends who are patient with me and my constant complaining about how I currently hate my body. I’m always grateful for your patience and loving words. And in no way am I fishing for compliments here, so please don’t. It gives me weird/sad feeling to hear “You are beautiful” when I don’t feel beautiful. When someone says ” … well you look great!” I believe they genuinely mean it (which I appreciate), but, I don’t think or feel that I do. Its a difficult thing to put into words. What’s even more difficult is saying it, because it draws attention to the thing I don’t want to shine a light on.
This an easy enough fix, exercise and healthy diet – to which everyone always has a million excuses. Mine are lack of discipline, and currently lack of all energy. But then I get to thinking, if I do loose weight will I be happy with my body then? This body that is permanently defective. Which leads me down other holes (like thinking about dating, marriage, children and death). It all gets to be too much, I cry for 15 minutes and then find something else to do.
Right now, venting and a little crying is all I CAN do. Which has been the hardest part of being in treatment, I feel quite helpless. I am in this middle of this shit-storm and I know I have to focus on resting and letting my body heal during this awful treatment. Boy, am I dreading going in next Friday. I “find something else to do” because I know I cant live in my thoughts, or think about “what is going to happen?”. I have to live right now, and I have to deal with what’s happening right now. For now, I am working on setting some goals for post-chemo treatment and I will hold on to that.
WTSPodcast UPDATE: We are currently going through some growing pains. It’s a learning experience! Thank you for your patience. We will be releasing our first episode very, very, very, VERY soon. You will need to look no further than here because Heather will be posting them on the blog. Boom, ya welcome!
I love you all.
Until next time.